How to Help Your Neurodivergent or Autistic Child Get Through the Holidays
5 Ways to Make the Holidays Easier for Your Neurodivergent Child
As soon as November comes around you start feeling the stress and frustration.
You can feel the holidays coming since it is a rough time of year for your autistic child. The stress gets more intense as veterans day and then the time change passes by. After that Thanksgiving is on you and an already challenging time has blown up in your face.
Your child feels upset and is not coping well.
You are stuck between what your larger family wants and what is best for your child.
Why Are the Holidays So Hard for Your Neurodivergent Child?
There are many reasons why the holidays are challenging for your autistic child
They are out of their routines
They are out of school and everything is different. Being out of routine means that things will be harder for your child. Their anxiety is going to be higher. This means that they might have a harder time handling things that usually are not a big deal. Their coping skills will be more intense.
There are a lot of new or rare experiences
We do things during the holidays that we often only do once a year or only during the holiday season. New or rare activities are harder because your child doesn’t know how to behave. They also don’t know what to expect. Some kids might be unsure if their basic needs are going to be met. Or how they can get their needs met in the moment.
There are more social events and more people to interact with
Social interactions can be overwhelming for any neurodivergent child. Even a child that enjoys being social, will still need some time to recover after. They may need more alone time than usual to compensate for all the social time. They may need more space and more of their self-soothing activities.
There is more sensory input
Everywhere you look there are more lights and noise than usual. Even the smells are different and often more intense. The sensory changes are in unexpected places and can be surprising for some kids. When you have a hard time with sensory input this makes all the about even harder.
How to Help Your Neurodivergent Child When You Are Parenting During the Holidays
Tell your child when things will happen
Provide your child with a calendar that your child can read, where they can cross off the days as time passes. For many children, this lowers their anxiety about the future. It also lowers their constant asking about when things will happen. Since they can see the activity coming up this can help them prepare for it emotionally. It allows them the space they need to prepare themselves.
Prepare them for what will happen
Once they are able to see when it will happen, it’s important to help them understand what will happen. Walk them through as much as you can well in advance. It can be helpful to use wording like “I think this is what will happen” or “This is what is supposed to happen”. Tell them who will be there and give them an idea of what everyone will do. Let them know how they can get their needs met and what they can and can’t do while you are there. Talk to them about their coping skills and how to communicate with you if they need a break. It can also be helpful to talk about how to interact with the people that will be there.
Prepare others for your child’s needs
Remind family members of what your child will need while they are there. Also that your child’s behavior is not a reflection of whether they are a good child. This does not mean that you need to mention your child’s autism or neurodivergence. You can say “Hey so you know I’m bringing ____ so that my son can eat with us.” or something like “My daughter has been enjoying a lot of ____, so I am going to bring it with us. This way if she is feeling overwhelmed she can use it”.
Create a safe space and an escape plan
Your child must know how they can take care of themselves while they are in someone else’s house. Remind them they can go into another room (specify the room) or ask to go out to the care if they need space. Tell them where their needed items will be and remind them that they are there if they need them.
Allow them to use their coping skills
We worry about other people’s views of our parenting. Sometimes we have shame about what we allow our children do in order for them to cope. Shame can cause us to try to hide these behaviors from people outside of our house. hiding these activities can make the experience more stressful for your child. Which also means that things are more stressful for you. Enjoyed or comforting items from home help your child feel safe. They also help them cope with overwhelming feelings. If they have access to their phone or tablet from home they will feel less anxious knowing it is available. If they are less anxious, they will be more likely to interact socially and everyone will have more fun.
More Tips for Helping Your Neurodivergent Child Survive the Holidays
Lower expectations for everyone in the family
It isn’t fair to expect your child to act perfectly when things are so different than the everyday routine. Being social is a lot for your child and they may already be more tired than normal. Your child could be struggling to stay in the room at all because socializing can be so draining. Try to remember that you don’t have to be perfect and neither does your child. If you are spending time with someone who expects perfection, this isn’t the right time or person to visit.
Figure out your families priorities
Look a little bit closer at what the holidays mean to you and figure out what is most important. Is it;
Spending time with family?
Having that perfect meal?
Enjoying Traditions that connect you with the past?
Engaging in the spiritual aspects that give your family hope?
Decorations that make you feel joyful?
The perfect gifts?
Excitement of unwrapping gifts?
Remember you don’t have to do everything. In the long run, keeping it simple usually means that everyone has a better holiday.
Keep your child’s need in mind
When we were children the expectation was that we go with the flow and it is tempting to expect this of our children. When you have a neurodivergent child or most children, this is an unfair expectation. It also sets you and your child up to feel like the holiday was a failure. So remember to bring their food, keep them on their normal routine and bring their comfort items.
Be ready to use a strong no
Our relatives don’t understand our neurodivergent child or their needs the way that we do. They may ask us to do something unhelpful for our child. For example, some common things that extended family push boundaries on are;
Trying to convince you to make your child eat what everyone else eats
Disagreeing with your allowing a hyper-fixation
Disagreeing with how you approach boundary setting
Fighting you on normal routines like bedtime
Giving your child problematic food
Because of this, it is important to be ready to lay down the line on how you will care for your child. In some families, this may mean staying in a location outside of the home so that you do not end up in a power struggle.
Remind yourself that the holidays are a hard time of year for your child. Each year you and your child will get a better idea of what works best for them so that both of you can survive. If the holidays feel like too much for you, reach out for therapy for mother’s of neurodivergent kids.
Begin Therapy for Parenting a Neurodivergent Child in Sacramento, CA
Counseling with a therapist who truly understands the complexities of having a neurodivergent child could be the answer you’re looking for. I want to help you be more confident in your decisions for your neurodivergent child, whether they have ADHD, autism, or another neurodivergent diagnosis. I know the worries and anxieties that you feel. You don’t have to do it alone. And we can connect with online therapy sessions for your added simplicity. Get started with these steps:
Fill out a contact form to get connected with me.
Read about my approach to therapy for parents of special needs and neurodivergent children.
Find direction and support in parenting your child.
Other Services for Mothers of Neurodivergent Kids in Sacramento, CA
Here at my Sacramento, CA-based therapy practice, I understand how complex it is to be a mother of a neurodivergent child. If you need therapy for grief as you constantly worry about your child’s future, I can support you in those feelings. If you’re feeling isolated in this experience, I offer support for that too. We also all need community, especially with the way parenting a neurodivergent child affects our relationships! So, I offer group therapy if you’re looking more specifically for a special needs parent support group or an ADHD parent support group. Please reach out so we can get you connected with the caring, specialized support you need, here.