Mom Guilt- Where it comes from and how to deal with it
Mom Guilt, A Pervasive Problem
It seems the second we know we are pregnant the mom guilt starts. You may already have felt like you never quite measure up and this might be a common experience for you or it might be brand new. It seems to not matter what you do or say to your child from the time they are born until they are 18 and beyond that there is an opportunity to feel that familiar sensation. It creeps in during pregnancy, when you are toilet training, around sleeping and eating and even rears it’s ugly head when you are making decisions about your personal life.
No matter where you turn as a parent the mom guilt is there. When you are the parent of a Neurodiverse child or a child with high medical needs the opportunities for guilt are even more consistent and because people don’t know what to say the opportunity to feel blamed is even higher. What are the roots of this mom guilt and how do we get past it?
Cultural Expectations About Parenting
The biggest and most invasive contributor to mom guilt is the expectations that our culture puts on moms and parents in general. As soon as you become a mom our culture expects you to give up everything you are for your children. The stereotype of the “good mom” who cares for her family and kids by giving all of her time and energy is just not realistic. We are inundated by images of the mom sitting on the floor with her child in a spotless house.
Expectation vs. Reality
But this isn’t reality, even if you choose not to work, the ability to keep a spotless house and keep your child engaged with you at the same time is an impossible goal for most parents. Adding in work makes the expectation even more unattainable. If we give of ourselves as much and as often as our culture expects. The expectation is that we do it all is unreasonable in our current culture where we live in isolation and have very little support even support we can pay for. These expectations are so pervasive that often we aren’t even aware that these are things we are expecting of ourselves until we look at underneath what is driving some of the guilt.
Information Overload
The second contributor to mom guilt is information overload. There are books, websites, tiktoks, and other social media just overwhelming us with information about what is best for the baby and this doesn’t stop until the child is over 18. The problem is it isn’t just one thing that they are telling you to do. Even the experts and researchers conflict amongst themselves. In fact, half the time it isn’t even the same information, often the information completely conflicts.
Conflicting Advice
For example, baby-led weaning parents will tell you that you need to just give kids whatever you are eating bones and all so that the child can experiment with eating from an early age and traditional advice will tell you to start with puree and move up slowly to foods that are a more normal consistency. The advice is the exact opposite and you are surrounded by it. So, no matter what you are doing you aren’t listening to some piece of expert advice and if you are surrounded by opinions you know that the advice you are following contradicts someone else’s. Also even if you feel confident that you have chosen the advice that feels most comfortable for your family, sometimes you can’t follow it to a T.
Opinions and Attitudes
Not only are we surrounded by opinions in the media but everyone we know in person has an attitude or a belief about parenting that may or may not be similar to your own. By its nature parenting is hard and we will always have questions about whether or not we are doing the right thing. It makes sense that we would reach out for help. But the opinions definitely come flying whether or not we ask for them.
Challenges of Parenting a Neurodiverse Child
When your child is neurodiverse the opinions come from professionals and from family and friends who may or may not understand your child. And everyone has an opinion about what is best for kids and what parents should do. When the opinion comes from someone that you would normally trust it’s hard to navigate when they maybe don’t know your child the way they should be giving you the opinions that they do.
Internalized Expectations
The last contributor to mom guilt is our own internalized expectations. This comes from what we have internalized of the cultural expectations around us, what we have internalized of all the parenting media we have seen, what we have decided we agree with when it comes to the parenting research we have been exposed to and our own opinions and feelings about the way we were parented and other parents we have seen in actions. For example, we may come into parenthood with the idea that our child will never watch T.V. or the idea that our child will never drink soda.
Often, we tend to have even more emotions and guilt attached to these beliefs than the others because they come from things we weren’t happy about that were done to us or they are opinions we really connected to. This adds a lot to the guilt when we give in on the TV thing when the child is three months old and has colic so you are lonely in the middle of the night and need the noise to help you cope. Or when your child is given a soda at a friend’s house and you have no control over it.
How to Reduce Mom Guilt
The first step to really lowering your mom guilt is being aware of where all of these thoughts and expectations are coming from. If you aren’t aware of where these expectations are coming from there is no way to combat them, so awareness is the first step. I will give you more tips and tricks on how to lower your mom guilt in the next blog.
Begin Therapy for Parenting a Neurodivergent Child in Sacramento, CA
Counseling with a therapist who truly understands the complexities of having a neurodivergent child could be the answer you’re looking for. I want to help you be more confident in your decisions for your neurodivergent child, whether they have ADHD, autism, or another neurodivergent diagnosis. I know the worries and anxieties that you feel. You don’t have to do it alone. And we can connect with online therapy sessions for added simplicity. Get started with these steps:
Fill out a contact form to get connected with me.
Read about my approach to therapy for parents of special needs and neurodivergent children.
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Other Services for Mothers of Neurodivergent Kids in Sacramento, CA
Here at my Sacramento, CA-based therapy practice, I understand how complex it is to be a mother of a neurodivergent child. If you need therapy for grief as you constantly worry about your child’s future, I can support you in those feelings. If you’re feeling isolated in this experience, I offer support for that too. We also all need community, especially with the way parenting a neurodivergent child affects our relationships! So, I offer group therapy if you’re looking more specifically for a special needs parent support group or an ADHD parent support group. Please reach out so we can get you connected with the caring, specialized support you need, here.