Autism, ADHD and Social Anxiety: 7 Ways to Help Your Child Feel More Confident
If your child is neurodivergent, you’re probably familiar with how common it is for ADHD and social anxiety to co-exist, along with autism.
When they experience it, you often feel it before both familiar and new social situations, the tension in your child’s body and the worry racing through their head. You can see it in their body language, maybe even trembling, when they’re with other kids.
Even at school, they have a fear of judgment, saying the wrong thing, or sticking out.
After they’ve spent any amount of time with people who don’t rank in their “safe” category, you can see the quiet stress they experience while they relive and rehash conversations over and over.
They might even be avoiding social situations quietly. Or worse, they’re outright refusing to go.
Watching your child struggle to fit in is rough, even harder when there is so much stress and sadness around it.
You want them to have friends and feel confident in who they are. And you can see their social anxiety getting in the way of that happening for them.
How autism, ADHD, and social anxiety overlap
You know that your child’s social anxiety and difficulty connecting with the other kids is part of being autistic or an ADHDer. The question often is, is this a social anxiety disorder on top of the normal social differences and anxiety that come with autism and ADHD?
The honest answer is that this social anxiety is probably both. It’s social anxiety in its own right and part of the social differences that come with neurodivergence.
The differences that come with autism and adhd can make socializing with neurotypical peers difficult, which over time can result in social anxiety disorder.
At the same time, social anxiety also co-occurs with many forms of neurodivergence, so it isn’t just the differences with neurodivergence creating the social anxiety.
Most forms of neurodivergence come with social differences. Unfortunately, this results in anxiety and feelings of pressure to get things right when you’re expected to communicate in a way that isn’t as natural to you as it is for everyone else.
With all three autism, adhd and social anxiety, emotional regulation and reading social cues can be difficult for different reasons. It’s hard to tell what is social anxiety as a comorbidity and what is just neurodivergence.
When you can identify what is what, it’s easier to figure out what exactly your child needs, whether it’s psychoeducation or sensory support.
Let’s get further into how autism, ADHD, and social anxiety co-occur.
Autism and social anxiety
Autistic kids may express social anxiety and other kinds of anxiety differently than their peers. They may talk about the excessive worry, go quiet, or engage in active avoidance of social activities. They might also lash out, refuse to go, or hide behind a hoodie. Sometimes they even have physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches.
If your child normally makes eye contact, they might avoid it, and appear to just close in on themselves (for some kids, this is a type of dissociation). They might also completely shut down in the moment.
Some kids don’t show how they’re feeling in the moment. But when they get home, they melt down and either shut down or lash out. You can see that they are really paying the price for socializing.
You might hear them rehearsing conversations before or after they happen, constantly overthinking all possible scenarios.
Autistic communication is different than neurotypical communication styles, and this makes interacting with people your child doesn’t know well quite stressful for them.
Some of the things that make socializing stressful for your autistic kid;
Sensory environment
When you’re unable to block out the sound of the lights, the feel of the tag on your back, or the water dripping in the other room, it’s really difficult to focus on interacting with the person in front of you.
Actual communication differences
Research is showing that there are differences in communication and social skills between autistic kids and their neurotypical peers. This difference is categorized as more of a cultural difference instead of an actual deficit.
What this means is they have to shape their communication to suit the neurotypical style. Communication takes a lot more effort and energy.
Even when they’re trying their best, sometimes they get it wrong, and this can be really frustrating.
This cultural difference means that even though they speak the same language as their peers, they’re still translating the meaning behind each word.
This takes a lot of energy and makes it harder to track other variables like body language and facial expressions.
Info dumping
One of the main ways that autistic kids connect and communicate is around special interests. They really enjoy telling others about them, but other kids often don’t understand this and are usually not interested.
These differences result in difficulties fitting in, being constantly misunderstood, and often being bullied.
The amount of effort it takes to communicate, the likelihood of saying or doing something that makes them a target, and the high probability of feeling lost and confused for a good part of the interaction add to the discomfort and stress around these activities.
This makes the anxiety pretty high around social situations. Even everyday interactions like going to school.
ADHD and Social Anxiety
The social anxiety that co-occurs with ADHD has its roots in a very different place. ADHDers can often read neurotypical social cues in the moment. But they still struggle with social situations. It’s like they can see the consequences, but the impulsivity makes it hard to stop.
It doesn’t matter if your child is inattentive type, hyperactive, or combined type adhd social interactions are still rough. ADHDers receive a lot of negative feedback from peers and the adults in their lives.
The differences that come with adhd make social interactions hard. The inattention that comes with both types of adhd makes it difficult to stay present in a conversation and follow the way others do.
Impulsivity means your child struggles to stop themselves from interrupting or from saying things that can come out in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Hyperactivity means that it’s hard for them to stay still, they experience a lot of restlessness, and other kids feel like they aren’t important.
ADHDers also have a hard time controlling their emotions, resulting in ADHD meltdowns, which can be large and feel scary to neurotypical kids.
These behaviors and tendencies can come off as annoying and frustrating to the people around them.
It makes ADHDers a target for bullying and interferes with their ability to maintain relationships with neurotypical kids.
ADHDers are aware of how they are affecting other kids. Constant negative interactions make the child and their nervous system more sensitive to possible rejection than other kids.
This ends up with the child experiencing rejection sensitivity and low self-esteem.
This develops from a combination of both experience and a nervous system tendency to perceive rejection in everyday interactions. The rejection sensitivity can turn into ADHD paralysis where the child is so upset they just freeze.
If you would like more information about rejection sensitive dysphoria and therapeutic treatment options, click on the links to get to past blogs.
Meanwhile, let’s move on to explore neurodivergence and other anxious tendencies.
Autism, ADHD, and Other Types of Anxiety
Neurodivergence can for many, be seen as a nervous system that is more or less sensitive to what is happening outside of one's body as well as inside.
On top of that, they live in a world that is created for neurotypical people. This means that they’re always trying to piece together what’s happening and feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed by what is going on around them.
So first we have a nervous system that is already prone to anxiety, and then we have an environment that can be very stressful and confusing.
They worry they might miss something or have lost something. They are going to stand out or get picked on. On top of that, they experience most daily situations and environments as uncomfortable and dysregulating.
This results in kids, adolescents, and adults who are more prone to all forms of anxiety and anxiety-related conditions. Including panic attacks, obsessions, compulsions, excessive worrying, racing thoughts, rapid heartbeat, difficulty sleeping, anxious thoughts, depression, irritability, and mood swings as part of their anxiety symptoms.
It’s important to keep an eye out for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies, and Separation Anxiety when your child is neurodivergent.
7 ways you can help when your child is Autistic, or an ADHDer and has social anxiety
As their mom, you can’t control how your child feels. You can’t even protect them from everything in their life that creates anxiety.
But there are ways you can help. The goal is to be their calm, stable support person, and create a safe home base that is predictable and reliable so that they feel regulated enough to do the scary things both with you and then later without you.
Here are some of the ways that you can help them;
Regulate yourself
The first step is to regulate your own nervous system.
Your child looks to you to see what is a safe situation and what is scary, doing what you can to keep your nervous system grounded is important. (recognizing that this can be hard when your child has anxiety)
The first layer of this is to make sure you’re focusing on your needs as well as your child’s.
Even if this is just making sure that you eat three meals a day and sleep as best you can with a child who may keep you up at night.
It’s also important to try different grounding techniques that are quick and easy to implement when things get stressful some examples include popping in a sour piece of candy or putting an ice cube on the back of your neck.
Mindfulness is another meditation technique you can do anywhere you are. It doesn’t require a calm, silent room. It even works for parents with ADHD who have difficulty quieting their own brain.
Validate the discomfort
When your child is anxious and wants to avoid an activity or is asking to stay home from school, start by validating the discomfort in as genuine a way as you can.
When an anxious child feels heard and understood, it relieves one layer of the stress. It creates the ability for the two of you to get to the next step.
An example of this is “I know that birthday parties are a lot for you, they are noisy and there are often a lot of kids there.”
Listen to their needs
Once you have validated their feelings, you can talk about what they need in the moment. Or better yet, take their lead and let them show you. Often our kids know what will help but struggle to communicate it verbally.
Pay attention to their body language and their need in the moment. If they know that you will be able to help them when things get hard, it makes it less difficult to be in anxiety-producing situations.
An example of this is if your child is covering their ears, help them find an easier way to lower the noise they are hearing.
If they are leading you away, don’t assume they are asking to leave, they may need to move away from the group or need a break.
Tuning in to their needs allows them to feel safer in an otherwise overwhelming situation.
Don’t ignore sensory experiences
When you’re trying to problem-solve why your child is experiencing social anxiety, or really any kind of anxiety, don’t ignore their sensory experience.
Their sensory experience might not be all of the anxiety, but it’s definitely a layer of it. If you can help them with this layer, it gives them more bandwidth to engage other difficult parts of the situation.
The sensory input is adding to their anxiety. Even if it is social anxiety they are dealing with, lower the negative sensory information in the background. Really, it will help.
Find positive connections
Look for positive relationships and experiences that your child might enjoy.
Find other neurodivergent kids or families to connect with and set up low-pressure play dates.
Probably in a low-demand situation where they can get to know each other easily without a lot of pressure.
For a lot of kids this means a neutral space without a lot of other kids. For others, it means bring the new people into your home where your child feels safe. Provide an activity and a snack.
Creating positive relationships and experiences helps balance out some of the more negative interactions in situations where you have less control.
If the first connections you try to make don’t work, keep trying until you find a relationship that your child enjoys.
Remember, communication and relationships don’t always look the way you expect them to, let your child tell you whether or not they had fun.
Be aware of the dread
Neurotypical anxiety is usually based on the fear of the future (also known as what-ifs).
For neurodivergent people, it can also be based on the dread of things that are actually going to be hard.
For example, neurotypical social anxiety is based on what if things are awkward, but neurodivergent social anxiety is based on this is going to be hard and people don’t understand me. One is a possibility, the other is a real, consistent experience.
Keep all of this in mind and try to make specific Autism and ADHD accommodations for them in school and their personal life when you are trying to help lower their social anxiety.
Gently Encourage
If your child is experiencing autism, adhd and social anxiety, do your best not to force them to do things they’re having anxiety about.
Problem-solve all of the things above and then try to help them feel comfortable enough to go.
With mandatory things like school, try to work with school to lower the overwhelm so they can make it as much as possible.
You are not going to be able to fix everything for your child. As a mother, there is only so much you can do to help with anxiety. Seeking neurodivergent affirming help that understands autism, adhd and social anxiety can be life-changing for your child and you.
Social anxiety disorder treatment options for the neurodivergent brain: autism, adhd and social anxiety
The standard treatment for most kinds of anxiety is based on exposure therapy.
The idea is that if the person is exposed to the feared thing along with coping skills, then, as time goes on, they will realize the feared thing doesn’t happen. As the nervous system makes that connection, the anxiety dissipates.
This works well for neurotypical brains because it is true that the thing you fear is not going to happen or is unlikely to happen.
Neurodivergent brains also experience this type of anxiety.
At the same time, there is a second layer to their anxiety that is completely different, and exposure doesn’t help with it at all. In fact, it makes it worse.
This second layer we are going to call dread, and we talked about it a little bit above.
Exposure works well when your child is afraid of something bad happening that is pretty unlikely to happen.
But when your child is afraid of something that is going to happen, then exposure doesn’t work. The miserable thing doesn’t get less miserable the more you are exposed to it. This actually tells the brain the anxiety is reasonable, and it continues to be an anxiety trigger.
Let’s use the example of school, school anxiety, and school refusal.
A neurotypical child might develop anxiety around school because of the possibility that they might be picked on, they might have to speak in front of the class (if they do, they might be laughed at), or people just generally won’t like them. Once the child starts going to school, this often isn’t the case, and their nervous system and anxiety start to decrease.
For a neurodivergent child, the fear of going to school isn’t completely based on the fear of things that are not likely to happen.
Their fear or dread of going to school is based on their sensory experience, their discomfort with being perceived, and that interacting with the other kids is actually complicated and hard to navigate.
So when you are looking at treatment for your child’s social anxiety, keep this in mind.
Look for therapy and a therapist that acknowledges this.
Some of these options might include mindfulness-based therapy, I-CBT, ACT, or DBT. The therapist should focus on making the feared activity more known and more approachable by providing accommodations that make the experience less miserable.
For some kids, medication support can really make a difference, but this is a choice that each family needs to make.
Some therapists provide professional support for the parents of the child on their caseload, this is different than therapy for the mother themselves. It’s important you get help for yourself as well as your child.
It allows you to have a safe space to work through all of your emotions and learn how to regulate your nervous system so you can be that calm base for your child, but also for yourself.
When your child is autistic, an ADHDer, and experiences social anxiety, support for mothers
When you have a child who has any kind of anxiety, you are trying to regulate two nervous systems. There is a lot of pressure and stress in figuring out how to help your child best.
If you’re in California and looking for emotional and parenting support when your child’s adhd and social anxiety interfere with their happiness. I can help. Schedule a free consultation here.