Therapy for Parenting Your Neurodivergent Child

AVAILABLE ONLINE THROUGHOUT CALIFORNIA

Supporting You
So You Can Support Them

You always knew there was something different about your child. They seemed to see the world in a different and special way, but in a way that doesn’t quite fit this world.

You got an assessment, whether it was because you pushed and fought for it, or someone else pushed you to do it because they were worried about your kid. Either way, a diagnosis came back of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, AUDHD, or another neurodivergent diagnosis.

But you don’t really know what that diagnosis means or how it would affect your child’s life.

You still aren’t really sure what it means. Even if you haven’t gotten a diagnosis, you worry about your child’s differences and what that might mean for them.

Did getting a diagnosis help of harm them? You’ve entered a world where everyone has an opinion, and some of them get really heated. The consequences for making the wrong choice feel really scary.

But none of those people live their life in your child’s or your shoes.

There is even controversy around the language you should use. Is your child “special needs”, a “child with different needs”, “autistic, or a “child with autism”? The controversy around language speaks to all sides of your feelings about your child’s differences. You want what’s best for them, but there is no clear answer about what that is.

Unlike other families, there is no clearly defined path into adulthood.

Everyone “knows the right way” and many of the “right ways” are conflicting. It’s hard to know for sure if the path you have chosen is the right one. The one that will help your child blossom into the best child they can be.

It’s you that is navigating this for them while they are young, and it might be you, helping them as they get older, you just don’t know.

How do you help your child be as successful as possible in a world that wasn’t meant for their brain?

How do you do this without forcing them to be someone they aren’t and aren’t meant to be?

You know, pushing them too hard in the wrong direction has serious consequences.

But how do you balance helping them be successful and themselves at the same time?

Add to all of this that you don’t fully understand what it is that makes them neurodivergent. Sometimes you watch them and you feel really lost just looking at them.

Other times, you realize that some of the things that make them neurodivergent, you also share, and you wonder what that might mean about you.

Grief Around Having an ADHD or Autistic Child

Whether your child has been diagnosed or not, you’ve passed the point where you think your child’s differences might be a phase. You can see at this point who your child is, and the diagnosis (if you have one) just confirms it.

You love your child for who they are. You love them so much, their quirks, their personality, everything about them. But there is still sadness there.

There is still a picture of who you thought your child would be. The experiences that you thought they would have, and the experiences you thought you would have as a mother.

Grief is the process of saying goodbye to that image, and it can impact your day-to-day parenting.

You might be:

Consumed by overwhelming sadness that just doesn’t seem to leave you alone.
Holding your child up to that picture in your brain, setting up expectations they just can’t meet.
Refusing to get certain services because you can’t see the help your child needs.
Blaming your child’s expression of their needs on bad behavior or not sure you can tell the difference.
Angry when your child does something they can’t help because the child in your brain could.
Constantly focusing on the things that could have been, or might be, instead of focusing on the amazing things that are happening right now.

No matter how it’s impacting you, the grief is there and never seems to leave your side.

This sadness might be impacting every day of your life, every interaction that you have with your child.

It might just come at every milestone, every time things are different than you thought it would be.

No matter when it comes up, your heart breaks when they struggle; you wish so much that things were easier for them.

Is This My Fault?

Whenever you see your child struggling, you worry that there was something you did to make this happen. That something you ate or did while pregnant created a situation where your child is struggling as much as they are.

You would do anything you could to make sure their life was easy, but that doesn’t seem to be the path the two of you are on. At least today.

A second part of this worry is, did I pass this on to my child

You might notice similarities between you and your child. Some of the things that came up during their assessment felt very weird to you. “I thought that was something everyone does” or “He doesn’t do that but I do (or did)”.

It’s scary and sad to think that you may have passed something on to your child that has made your life more difficult and might make their life even harder.

The older your child get’s the more you realize that you are drawing your own map. That no one else knows the path that is right for your child.
You spend a lot of time questioning the decisions you make and whether or not they are the right ones for your child. And if they feel like the right ones for your child, sometimes they don’t feel right for your family as a whole. It feels like you are constantly trying to balance the two conflicting needs and you can’t consistently meet the needs of both.
You worry about what the future holds
Who will your child be and how will they interact with the world? What will they be able to do and not be able to do? What can I do now to help them be the best adult they can be, and by best, you want them to be happy and have all the joy in life their hearts desire.
There is no way of knowing if you are doing the right things and if you are helping them become the best, genuine version of themselves.
You want them to be safe and happy when you are gone.
The hardest part of this sometimes can be figuring out what is going on in their head. There are times when your child will respond a certain way, and you just have no idea why or how they got there.
When things go bad, it seems like it just comes out of nowhere.
You're sure there is a way to help, but right now it is just lost on you.
You also often feel disconnected from them. Things aren’t as easy as it is with the other kids in your life. Your child doesn’t respond the way you think they should when you are trying to build a connection.
This can be frustrating and disappointing, and leave you grieving the relationship you had hoped you would have with your child.
You don’t know how to develop that closeness with your kid that you hoped for, and you aren’t sure it’s possible.
On top of that, sometimes you and your coparent don’t always agree. The disagreements impact your ability to support each other and can get in the way of your working together as a team.
All of this makes the work of parenting so much harder. If you could connect with your child and spouse the way you thought you would, part of you believes everything would be better.

Hope for Understanding and Connecting with Your Neurodivergent Child

You want to have a clear understanding of what your child’s differences mean for them. For who they are, what they can and can’t do. What you can expect from them and how it will impact their day-to-day life.

You want to better understand what this means for how you parent them. How you help them when they are struggling the most.

You want to have confidence in knowing…

How to help them be their best self
Who they are
What they need and when
How to connect and build a positive relationship
The best approach to parenting your child
That you can sift through all the conflicting voices and identify what is best for your child and family

You want to go to bed every night feeling like you know what you are doing and feeling good about it.

Find Some Joy Again as a Mom

You’re pretty sure the grief isn’t going to go away completely, but you want to get to the point where the flashes of what could have been aren’t taking over your life. To where you aren’t constantly comparing your child to someone that doesn’t exist.

You want to get back to feeling moments of joy.

You want to love and appreciate your child for who they are and enjoy being their parent. Enjoy the milestones, how you’re experiencing them, instead of constantly thinking about what could have been.

You want to go through your day able to be in the moment instead of tearing up every time things don’t go the way that you pictured.

You want to let go of this ideal picture you had so that you can appreciate the sweet, fun kid that you have.

Be in The Moment

You are tired of this looming future cloud overshadowing your whole life. You want to just enjoy today for what it is.

You want to be able to go on social media without internalizing every horror story from every struggling mom.

You want to be able to trust that you and your child have got this.

That you can face whatever comes in the future.

You want to trust that you will set your child up the best you can and that they and their support network you build for them will be able to deal with whatever comes.

Find Some Connection With Your Autistic Child

You want to feel close to your child. Like you know them and who they are. Like you know what they need and want.

You want that connection and closeness you thought you would have as your child grows up, but you know now that might be different.

You want to know they are getting the best from you. That you and your partner are working together as a team to support your child and be there for them as best you can.

Most of all, you want to feel like both you and your coparent know who your child is and what they need.

What Does Neurodivergent Affirming
Parenting Therapy Look Like?

As your therapist for Neurodivergent affirming parenting support, and as a parent myself. I understand. Together, we explore all of the feelings that you are having about your child’s diagnosis or possible diagnosis.

None of those feelings are bad.

Together we will help you find a way through your grief so that while yes, it might still be there, it isn’t a constant cloud in your life.

We help you get to the place where you are able to see your child for who they are instead of that idealized picture of a child that never existed.

So you can be in the now and love them for who they are.

Together, we figure out how to get you into the moment. One of the things about being on a path not taken is that we don’t know what the future brings, and in some ways, that’s a blessing because it helps you to learn to appreciate the now.
It helps you learn to trust that you can handle whatever comes your way and approach the future when it comes instead of today.

I also help you understand your neurodivergent child. I help to pull the curtain back so you don’t feel so bewildered by the things that they do and how they respond.
For many of us, there is some confusion and frustration when our child does certain things, and it can feel like they are doing them on purpose. If you understand your child and what their needs and abilities are, it’s easier to understand the things that are happening that seem like your child is being spiteful or purposely bad.
It’s easier to respond compassionately because you are less likely to take the behavior personally.
When we learn how to meet both our own needs and theirs, it can make a life-changing difference in the way that we parent. At the same time, I recognize that typical self-care doesn’t always work in families with neurodivergent kids.
When we can problem solve this it results in an easier parenting journey because as parents, we are happier and our children do better too.
When you have a better understanding of your child’s needs and abilities, it becomes easier to understand.
With understanding often comes better connection, and sometimes we don’t have to actively work on this part.
But sometimes, even when we have a better understanding of who they are, we still have to actively learn how to connect with our child in a way that builds trust and comfort for both of you.

We will also look closer at you and your life as a parent. We will look at your needs and make sure that we are problem-solving how to meet some of those needs and get you to a place where you are not headed straight for burnout.
As parents of neurodivergent kids, we are often neurodivergent ourselves but taught to ignore our own sensory and social needs. When we learn what those are and meet them, then we are likely to be better parents.
I help you identify how to work with your own brain as well as your child’s, whether you are neurodivergent yourself or not.
We will also look at your past and identify any experiences that might be impacting your ability to parent the way that you want. Once we identify those, I have some tools we can use to quickly resolve those issues so that you can be more present with your child. Here is more information about those.

NEURODIVERGENT AFFIRMING THERAPIST

Meet Danielle

One of the underlying values that I hold in my practice is that neurodivergence is only a disability because of the world we live in. This doesn’t mean that the way your autistic or adhder child interacts in the world isn’t impacted significantly.

It does not mean that I don’t believe that your child might be disabled by their neurodivergence, because the world does not allow them to be themselves and function.

As a neurodivergent affirming therapist who works with parents, I help you to see your child for who they are. I help you learn about their needs and accept your child for who they are.

We are going to help you allow them to be themselves. To find the places where the world is forcing them to fit into a mold that isn’t for them, and help them learn to engage in the world in a way that is more natural to them and meets their needs.

I recognize that the neurodiversity movement often leaves parents of autistic kids who are profoundly impacted feeling as though their experience and child are invisible. I see you and I am here for you as well.

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Frequently Asked Questions

We know that the consequences of neurodivergent kids forcing themselves into the neurotypical mold is not good for them now, in the future or their mental health. A neurodivergent affirming therapist won’t teach you to force your child to be someone they aren’t but will help you to learn about their needs, how to meet them, and help you teach them to accept and take care of themselves.
My current hourly rate is $250 per therapy hour. This allows me to give you the attention that you deserve as a parent of a child that is struggling.
I do not currently take insurance but I can give you a superbill to see if you can get reimbursed through out of network benefits.
I have hours mid day and some evening hours.
Most of my work is online except I have an office in Roseville where I provide trauma intensives once a month.